Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Dear Men...some friendly advice.

Dear Men-Who-Have-Everything-To-Lose,

A little friendly advice, because I care about you as a member of the human race: 
Before you go and do something really stupid like give into that just-attractive-enough girl that gives you the slightest amount of attention remember - IT'S JUST SEX! It's twenty (and if you're really lucky thirty) minutes of your life. It's not worth loosing your family, your career, or your integrity over.  

You. Will. Get. Caught. 

You may not get caught this week, this month, or even this year but eventually your dumb ass will make mistake. 

You will either:
  • Accidentally send the text that was meant for your girlfriend to your wife.
  • Drink one too many beers at a party and brag to the wrong person about that hot piece of tail you landed last weekend.
  • Leave your email client open on your wife's computer.
  • Piss off your mistress (She will eventually get tired of your bullshit promises to leave your wife you dummy).
  • Use the debit card that's linked to your wife's checking account to pay for your date. (You really think she doesn't watch the online banking?)
  • Friend your mistress on Facebook where she'll like all your status updates and comment too often on the dumb shit you post.
  • Say something stupid to your wife like, "Well, you may not want to have sex with me tonight, but there are plenty of girls who do." Oh really?
  • Start wearing cologne when you leave your house in the afternoon to go to the gym or take the kids to playdate. Or even more suspicious: start going to the gym or playdate in the first place.

Please, I implore you: keep your head. (The big one on top of your shoulders. God you're easily distracted man!) There are ways to feel better in your own skin as you get older other than sex. Read a book. Find your passion (I mean a hobby dammit, not Internet porn). Get to know Jesus, or Buddha, or Muhammad, or Joseph Smith for all I care. Do whatever it takes to distract you from your penis, because - I'll say it again - if you do it: YOU. WILL. GET. CAUGHT. 



  1. Check it's "lose" not "loose"

    And I'm pretty sure your advice goes equally to women. Maybe they're better at hiding it, but the truth almost always comes out, you know, check the news, married women messing around with married men. Sheesh people. I'm with you on the "it's just 30 minutes thing." Go spend a few minutes alone in the bathroom and get over yourself.

    1. Thanks for the spell check. I don't know how I'm going to get my kids through elementary school spelling, but in my defense I attribute my poor spelling to laziness more than lack of basic skills:) Or maybe I have some kind of dyslexia going on.....yea....that's the ticket!

      Agreed, a cheater is a cheater and no matter what sex. Women who get caught cheating have the same excuses and lies that men do for sure. A therapist friend of mine does a lot of couples sessions. He tells me that the dialogue he has with a cheating man is no different for a cheating woman. He calls it the "rap of the guilty".

  2. Advice not advise ;)

  3. Oh lord! Loosing street credibility the more I type! It's very wrong that my anonymous friend is more willing to correct my spelling dysfunction than my named friends are;) Thanks Anon! I came up with another excuse for my bad spelling...I'm traumatized...yea, that's it!


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